I finally did it…

Monumental moment…

it’s been over three years since I pulled out Kadesh's Juicer...it's been pressing to bring it out-but I just couldn't...tears, in tears I made my first glass today. It was all I could do to smell the fresh vegetables...and the taste. Kadesh and I would make them together, and I would drink mine as I pushed his through his tube...I was always seeking to save him and nourish him with all that I had in me to give.

I feel I’m in the same position today, yet fighting for myself. People assume that since you lost your child three

years ago, that somehow it’s over and things are better… nothing could be further from the truth. Things are different.

But never better. How could they be?

Life has been a complete rage and blur since I surrendered Kadesh... setting timers all day long due to the constant feeling of displacement.

Crippling Forgetfulness due to grief and trauma-that elevated even greater after we lost Kadesh. No amount of days or hours that pass have changed any of the feelings.

You think your making it. Another day down. You “look good” on the “outside”-pushing back and suppressing, because to be any other way would bring discomfort to everyone around you…”you're so strong“ they say…but you know in your heart of hearts- you can’t keep running. Bearing down- hammering through-is only going to last but for so long, because it is coming-to catch you. The harder you run-the faster the pace of grief picks up. Hunting you down. To stop, turn around

and face this is to be consumed.

As they say, the body keeps the score, and my lips whisper, "Jesus" for His grace to lend me just one more second. You’re Emotions reel like a carousel, but this ride never stops …it’s not a pity party that any of us as mothers and fathers are after… it’s remembering our precious one- this-is what we fight for. To Honor them, to make a legacy for them. To hear someone say their name- out loud - it’s never offensive.

To hear “Kadesh” is breath to me- my heart skips with Joy! As a parent who has lost their child-I daily- seek my son-and even saying I lost

my son- I literally don’t even know what that means…

Truth tells me, Kadesh is with Jesus, because he gave his heart to Him.

But my present reality has yet to catch up…and to be honest, I’m afraid for it to.

Daily we look for our babies in the faces of those we love -in the ones they love- we are a tapestry of each other’s lives. Interwoven laughter-tears-moments of triumph and grief- our spirits bear the memories. And they speak. We grasp at the wind it seems seeking to embrace these places where We connect... My

prayer almost daily is GOD HELP ME REMEMBER. It’s been the greatest infirmity I feel I have faced, and everything that has followed has been a result of suppressing the cry to remember. It’s a double edged sword.

Jesus we ask for your breath, O Lord, to blow upon the flame that has winnowed… that you would lift us up from the waste places…that you would strengthen us where our feet slip and our hearts break, we know we are but dust, but you see our frame, and you chose to redeem us because of your compassionate love… O Father, we ask for your mercy in this wilderness for the water of Your Word to rush over us and through us… Lord that you would bring a refreshing to our spirit.

We need you Jesus.