I gasped...I passed by it...then I turned around and went back...

I saw this dress...and I gasped. The colors were outrageously gorgeous. I passed by it and then I turned around and went back...and all I could think was-this dress is going to be for my big art debut one day.

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I left without it.

I walked to my van, sat down, and drove away... eating my target lunchable.

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I was driving alone, without my crew, and in the quietness, I started to think about my old Hope chest. Mama surprised me with it when I was a teenager. It was a beautiful mahogany chest, lined with cedar, that had a special lock and key~ exclusively from The Bombay Furniture Company.

When years ago, it was the thing to go to the Orange park mall, Mama would take me to window shop. She would stop by the Barnies, order her a regular coffee and my favorite hot chocolate with whip cream and chocolate shavings. We would then sit together on the bench in front of Bombay and people watch in front of the store and admire the treasures. just. the two of us...it was one of my favorite times with mama...

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So, today as I was driving home, I was remembering when I began to purchase little items to go in my Hope chest...because a husband to love was my dream. Thrift store finds and old original artist prints from the antique shops began to fill my chest...I had a very eclectic style...candles, things that were special to me for my much-anticipated home with my, to be love... so, I saved all things special. My husband was coming, I would tell myself... and well, he did...and though I stand in the ashes of 15 years and 7 months and counting, today it was building, the thought of my hope chest and the continued dissolving of my life...

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I burst into tears driving down 17 and tried to compose myself as the traffic slowed to the red light and I just grabbed my sunglasses and buried my tears behind the dark black lenses, sobbing uncontrollably...

The evading thought was the anticipation of what I once hoped for that has been lost in a continued losing that not only hits me but our babies...but then the N E W taking over...and every single memory in between. I wanted to turn my van around and buy that dress in F A I T H~B E L I E V I N G that it would be a signet of future and hope for my life and for my babies. That, what Mr. Suddath seen in me 17 years prior with my Artwork, when he made his first investment was true...that I was going to be a much coveted "UP and COMING Artist" And in purchasing that dress, I would put it in my hope chest and wait for the dawning of that big day. When my art would finally succeed, not for the purpose of my name- but Christ’s work and to now be the sole provision for my baby’s future...knowing full well, any gain is His.

________________________________________________________________ But truth right now? It is contentment I am fighting for...the contentment that whatever I face, art or no art... dress or no dress...husband or no husband...saving our son or surrendering our son...provision or no provision...that here, in this place I would be content. That is why I left it...on the rack...the dress, the beautiful dress.

Because it is not about the dress...it's about my heart.

Where does our hearts stand when we lose everything...and I mean everything...money is not an object to obsess over-it’s a means to an end for provision.

Because even if we make it to the next big achievement, there is always going to be another gaping hole of wanting and not being satisfied...so the rage and wanting to fill this place of loneliness is just contingent on the next crave, and we just fill it with the new drive.

I want nothing to do with it.

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In the past years I have been gifted money at times when the needs, only God knew, and it blew my mind completely... but honestly, even in knowing it was Holy provision, I would fall to my knees and become prostrate on the floor telling the Lord, I do not want your money, I just want my loves Lord...My Kadesh and My husband. I would lose every stitch of what I have, for our family- to be a family again. Whole. Healed. Delivered. To walk down the sidewalk enjoying each other’s presence. The simplicity of dinner at the table or cuddling on the couch...a day at the zoo or fishing with the cast net and reels in the waves at sunset...

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I am fighting for hope.

But it is not in a dress.

It cannot be held in a chest.

It is not in the past, It is not in my future.

My Hope is in the Present.

The I Am.

El Roi. "The God who sees me."

The God who holds my breath and heartbeat in His hand.

The God who says, "though you make my bed in hell, I am there...though you may take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea. I am there." So here. Here I stand, and I need Him to be here. Jesus.

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing soul filled is a tree of life."

Proverbs 13:12

"...I thirst for You, my whole being longs for You, in a dry and parched land where there is no water...So, I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory. Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise You."

Psalm 63:3

(June 1st, 2021)